First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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