uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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