anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
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