My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Randomize
