I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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