new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Randomize
