My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
