i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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