Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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