if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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