i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
