Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
