in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
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