after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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