True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
