We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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