i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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