I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
