ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
and she was petting her beer can
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
