The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
