Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
