I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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