I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
