If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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