Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
