If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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