this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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