Your mouth is God's brothel.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
