dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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