Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize