Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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