while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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