I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
