it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize