Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
