I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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