i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
