thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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