I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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