I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You may now shotgun with the bride
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
