fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize