Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
