The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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