I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Randomize
