Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
