Don't make out with my wife yet
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
my liver is dry heaving
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
