I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
