The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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