I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
