we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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