i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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