"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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