im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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