Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
