Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
we should paint friendship bongs
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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