U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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