My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
