Screwed.edu
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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