Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
